I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
