someone get that fucking seahorse.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize