I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I can't put those talents on a resume
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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