I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
