Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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