A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
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