Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
