i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize