I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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