We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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