I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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