my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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