Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
