I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
