I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
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