Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
