Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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