proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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