Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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