I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize