she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I don't deserve a penis
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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