i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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