He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize