Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
