i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
