My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
