fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
