I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
