good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
