I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
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