remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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