Whats the glycemic index on semen?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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