no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
