I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
