So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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