I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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