I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize