My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
