Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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