70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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