It's Friday. Sex?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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