Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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