So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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