I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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