Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
