Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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