I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
