his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Why is your signature on my underwear?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Randomize
