Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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