Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize