the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Randomize