I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
